#26: Formulas

Formulas are the human mind's security blanket. Our finite mind can only find comfort in the embrace of the predictable. While formulas and structure are created by our God for our own good, it is also His desire to see us move beyond and above this. To be excited about God's creativity in weaving the turn of events. To be at peace in His unpredictability. And to be ready to laugh at His humor. I think that is what pleases Him. I think He calls it faith.

Faceless Love Saga 1: The New Meaning of Coffee

I used to love coffee - coffee in it's many forms: brewed from fresh coffee beans, instant with artificial creamer and sugar, 3-in-1 with the same artificial creamer and sugar, espresso mixed with fresh milk, brewed from old coffee beans, blended with whipped cream and all other forms of fat and calories they can think of. You name it, I'll drink it.

Until he came.

One day I woke up and found myself wincing at the latte I was sipping in that coffee shop. The coffee taste became tired in my mouth. Since then, I wouldn't even be tempted to smell what used to be a relaxing aroma for me.

That's because he came. He was very generous to keep me company all the time. Since then, I always had someone to talk to. He eats what I choose to eat, whether it's galunggong from Aling Oweng's or some over-priced curry from Prince of Jaipur. He sacrifices with me. If I have to stay up, he'll just be there, sacrificing some sleep with me. When I'm hurt over a petty fight with my husband, he'll endure all my useless complaints and would just listen. He's my husband's newest friend. He can also talk to him, you know. He walks me to the office, accompanies me while I labor with the pink slips, white slips, the nice clients, the not-so-nice clients. He'll cross the street with me. He will wait patiently until it's time to go home. Inever needed the comfort of a cup of coffee, the whole time.

He's probably the one who listened to me the most for these past three months. But one day, he left me. He vanished. I never realized that I was eating alone again. Going to the office alone again. Walking our streets alone again - just like before. The day after I discovered that he left, as if a switch was turned off, I no longer winced at coffee, nor its smell - just like before.

Now I bleed that I'm holding this cup once again and sipping this brown liquid, because it only means one thing: that he has gone.

#16: Lights Out

I started counting when it happened around twenty times already in 6 months. During the first 5 times it happened, I probably didn't notice.


When it happened ten times, I took it as a coincidence.


After it happened 15 times, it became an X-filish trivia of my life that I told my friends so they will say, "Weird..."


When it happened twenty times already, I was officially freaked out. Then I started counting to formalize my tally of this simple yet mildly disturbing phenomenon.


Lamp posts turn off when I pass by.


I even have friends with me during some of the times it happened. I was in front of the church, walking to the car with our church food provider. The church lamp post went off. Me and my friends were walking in area two in UP some midnight, just loitering, when a road lamp went off.
My husband parked his car to drop off an item to a friend. I stayed in the car to read my book under the light of the lamp post when, rudely, it turned off.


A year after, I got seriously weirded out when it started happening at one lamp post intervals probably January this year. There was a time I was jogging with my husband when three lamp posts went off on me, in the same road, with only one lamp in between them! This kind of frequency happened to me twice already.


Since then, I already have this unusual suspenseful feeling when I'm walking at night. I already half-expect it to happen, yet when it actually does, I get startled. Like this one instance when I was walking with my hubby when a lamp post went out RIGHT WHEN I WAS EXACTLY UNDER IT. @#%&! My heart raced because somehow I can't pass it off anymore as a silly coincidence. When the lamp posts don't turn off, sometimes, they just flicker/quiver when I pass by, as if it's trying to fight. My husband knows this and is a witness to the numerous instances that it happened. At first, he will shake his head in disbelief. But now, I think he's already surrendered to the fact that it happens. During those moments when they just "quiver", my husband would say "Aba, o, lumalaban pa itong ilaw na ito sa'yo, o."


Nevertheless, I am not dispensing any explanation for it, you know, those paranormal, supernatural or brain power crap. I am just about learning to "enjoy" the fact that lamp posts are overwhelmed in my presence. Not "by", but "in" my presence. Those are two different things.
As I know it, these lamp posts automatically detect the presence of light. When the sun is up, it automatically turns off. When the sun starts to rest, they take the liberty to lend their own meager rays.


In my case, I'd like to think that I have legions of angels that God sent to be my bodyguards. They're so radiant that these lamps falter at their unseen light. Those little light detectors attached on top of the lamps simply deem it unnecessary to light my way, So you see, it's not me. Its just that I can be so weak and fragile at times that I need this many angels.
The latest lights-out experience counted 178 in my tally. God is so thoughtful, isn't He?

#15: How Do You Produce 12.5K in 7 Days?

Disclaimer: I'm sorry for the raw and unliterary way I composed this but this story has to be told through numbers. Pardon me as well if I'm gonna spill my financial guts to you but I'm not here to induce pity (though I can't blame you if you do). I just discovered that our resources may not be found in the numbers from our ATM slip. Note how I repeatedly used the word "suddenly". I don't expect you to readily make any sense out of it. Who said miracles are easy to figure out anyway?
Situation Background: September 14 My short film will be aired later and the interview just finished. They said I'm gonna get an honorarium for airing my short film. Asa pa ako kung makuha ko agad yun.
September 15 - Deadline of rent                        4,800
September 21 - Deadline of insurance premium     8,000
Bank account as of Sept 14                              1,000
Great... Umpisahan na ang karera!
Timeline:
Sept 14   my company was suddenly able to pay 50% of allowance it owes us for August. We received                                      4,000
Cash on Hand                                                      800
Bank Acct                                                        1,000
Sept 15 we paid rent (yey!1st lap!)                   -4,800
Cash on Hand                                                      500
Bank Acct                                                          700
Sept 16  status quo
Sept 17 We suddenly received long overdue allowance from worship department                                                                 2,500

Tithes for company allowance                            -400
Tithes for dept allowance                                  -250
                                                                   -650
                                                      2,500 - 650 =     1,850                                       
                                 Cash On Hand                  300
Amount Raised for Insurance Premium                 1,500
Sept 18 status quo but broadcast company suddenly called telling me I can get my 3,000 honorarium tomorrow. Akalain mo!
Sept 19 received honorarium from BC                  3,000
Hubby suddenly gets called for gig!
...and received a fee of                                    2,000
                             -load and other expenses      -500
                                                                                    1,500
                       Amount raised for Insurance           6,000 (2,000 to go!)
Sept 20 We suddenly received our fee for a finished project in the company                                                        2,500
Total Cash the day before the 8,000 deadline       8,500        
Sept 21 Was able to pay our rent and insurance premium in 7 days.
Finish Line! May allowance pa!
And something extra: By the way, a day after, our church friend told us some anonymous being wants to sponsor P500 worth of our groceries. We haven't been telling anyone about this race we're in but I guess the Lord spoke to that gracious being to shoulder our week's food. How unbelievable is that?
So how do you raise 12.5K in 7 days?
I don't know. But it will happen if the Financier knows you need it. Are you really asking the Lord to be more real and closer to you? 
Brace yourself.
You just bought a ticket to the most terrifying yet most thrilling ride of your life. It's soooo good, it feels like flying.

#14: UNA MULA SA HULI

Sige mahalin mo pa ako,
   Sige ibuhos mo ang lahat upang
sa pagtanaw ko sa malayo ay
    magigisnan ko ay ang mundo
at hindi maginaw na kawalan.
    Harangin mo ang anumang
hangin na tutuyo sa balat
    Na nag-uumpisa nang magbitak.
Tingnan mo, ako ay lumalayo
    Upang ihalo ko ang luha ko sa
Buhangin hanggang ang putik
    Ibabalot ko sa kahubaran 
Ng kaluluwang tigang.
    Ngunit, sige mahalin mo ako
Lumuhod ka at lumuha sa
    Ibabaw ng bangkay kong nanigas
Sa bumalot na batong namuo
    Sa ilalim ng init ng araw.
Tingnan mo ako at walang
    Naririnig, nakikita, nararamdaman,
Nalalagusan ng hininga 
    Naipon anhg pawis, hangin
Dugo, sa kulungang ako rin
    ang nagsara.
Sige, mahalin mo ako at
    Dalhin mo ako pataas
Lagpas sa bubong, sa mga tore,
    sa bundok, lagpas pa ng ulap,
inilapit ang langit
    sa aking mga pisngi.
Ngunit sa wakas, nagawa
    kong pagurin ka
Napatigil kitang magmahal.
    Kamao mo'y bumuka,
Mga bisig bumigay
    Bumulusok ang katawan kong  
Di pumitlag o nangahas magpasaklolo
    Pababa lagpas sa ulap, sa bundok,
Sa tore, sa bubong at lumagpak
    Bumagsak, nawasak, nasira
Nadurog, lumuwag, lumiwanag, at
    naimulat ko ang aking mata
Upang datnan ka sa aking tabi
    humahaplos, umaaruga
Minamahal ako.

Februrary 06, 2002