It was confusing.
Motherhood these times are a mish-mash of different opinions. Gone are the days when the experienced mothers are just a stone's throw away to lend their tested wisdom in babycare. But now, "expert advise" are all over. The book says this, the friend says that, the TV personality says another thing and then your mother has a whole new opinion altogether.
"'Wag mong buhatin, masasanay yan."
"Kargahin mo! Baka a-insecure siya. Maapektuhan ang brain develoopment."
"Naku, matalino yang mga yan, malalaman agad nila na pag umiyak siya, kakargahin mo. Pabayaan mo lang."
"You can never spoil a baby. They're very needy that's why you have to hold them."
Good grief. And that's just about holding a baby. So I was confused and initially, I avoided carrying her when she cries because some say they will learn to manipulate you into doing whatever they want just by crying. So the effect was a noisy house and an aggravated mother-and-baby tandem. What surprised me was that when Himig was with the folks, she fussed less. In fact, one night, I spied Himig flashing Nanay a smile! Gasp! I got so jealous and thought to myself "I lose sleep and my mind over you and I don't even get a friendly smirk?!?". Dejected mother. Since then, I started observing Himig's favorite nannies (which is practically everybody else) and discovered that they have two things in common: they talked to her and they held her a lot. I always had that uncomfortable feeling in my stomach when I kept myself from "carrying her too much". Now I know why. It was my instinct telling me to go ahead and love my baby any which way I can. Besides, who would discipline a month-old baby when she doesn't even have a concept of "self" and "others"?
I don't care anymore what they say. I will follow my heartbeat from now on. My Himig is needy, frail and scared of the world outside the womb. I will hold her whenever she's lonely or scared. Ever since I had made my resolve, our home started to have a semblance of peace. I don't get that sick feeling in my stomach anymore whenever she cried. One night, I gathered her in my arms as we stared at each other.
Then she gave me this meanignful look and smiled.
It was a moment of grace. All the feeling of confusion, fatigue and discouragement melted away in that one simple gesture. It said "thank you", "you're doing a great job", "I feel loved" and "I love you, too" in that single toothless smile. That made all the difference. We had officially become friends. Our sweetest moments so far were when Himig's face, in between mouthfuls of breastmilk, would spontaneously break into a slow, growing smile then tenderly gurgle lovely sounds at me. I shed tears of unexplainable joy and all I was able to say was "You're welcome and I love you, too."
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