Saving the World with Dirty Nails

When we moved to our new rented home in Visayas, I was thrilled that I have small plot of land at the back of our house where I can plant some vegetables. However, months of neglect made it into a mean weed jungle. That meant that I have to clear it out before I achieve that quaint vegetable garden I have in my head. This challenge revved me up so I set my mind on a week-long weed-pulling expedition. Being a rookie gardener, I had no idea how to go about this. This was the first time I ever had my own plot to plant in. So I thought, okay, I will grab the weeds and yank it out.

I gingerly held a clump of leaves between my thumb and pointing finger, pulled hard, and ended up with torn leaves in my fingers and a snickering (and still very much alive) stump of weed from where it came from. Hmm... I tried holding nearer the roots though I was still making sure my fingers would not touch the soil.

Yank.

All Good

Black fingernails and lipgloss
Rough hands with delicate fingers
Sometimes sticky with ribs
Sometimes powdery with eyeshadow
Stretch marks and knife cuts
Fist on a table and tears on the eyes
Unwavering faith while changing minds
Innocent affections, naive thoughts
Upright but with an undercurrent of fire
Sweetness-coated passion
All feminine to me.

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Magneto and Professor X

...is like romance and true love. They are best friends and worst enemies. One paves way for the other, and then they tear each other apart. Little do we know that they are two different beings.

Romance is in the longing, the distance, the absence. True love is in complete knowledge of a person and embracing it through and through. Romance builds up in wistful fantasies based on myteries, on the what-ifs and the unknown. True love gets built up on truth.

Romance is needed to pursue true love but romance will not survive the everyday that true love sustains.

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Pluviophile

I like the rain. Even decades ago (yes I am an elf), nasabi na iyan ng aking murang isipan.

I like rain when I am huddled inside the house with a book, a film and a hot drink.

I like the rain when I am outside walking, getting my feet wet, with or without an umbrella.

Happy or lonely, I like the rain because it is the clouds of the sky going out of its way to the ground to embrace me.

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Bukas na Pinto

Sayang naman.
Bumukas ang pinto
Pero hindi ka pumasok.
Dahil ba maaga pa?
Wala bang kutitap?
O dahil mahaba pa
Ang kalyeng makurap?
Sinundan mo ba
Ang mabilis na kislap?
Di mo ba alam,
Kaya nakikita ang kinang
Sa dilim siya nakalagak?
Ngayon, naligaw ka na
Ang pinto, nasan na?

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Grieving for Realities

I tell my friends I can usually navigate around films with dark and tragic themes because I am protected by the thought that "this is not real." Last night, my mind skipped and hopped at the anticipation of watching Flowers of War by none other than Zhang Yimou.

It was a mistake.

As expected, the filmmaking unmistakably captured the excruciating suffering, only, I found out that it is based on the Rape of Nanking in China. The moment I realized the things I see are based on real historical events, my soul soaked it all in and I started grieving 8 decades too late. By the time the movie was over, I was breaking in cold sweat and my hands were at the point of shaking.

It was bad enough to visually see this one atrocity and it is even a bigger struggle to keep all other human cruelties that are real.

The Massacre in Rwanda.
The Holocaust.
The Death March.
Human Trafficking.
This is just a few and the list is long.

I have to keep them out of my bleeding heart and imaginative mind.

I think I need to be debriefed.

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#50: Of Leadership and Humility

Last month, we received an inspirational text message from a prayer partner of ours. It said:

The greater your position, the greater should be your humility... If you know how to preserve humility amidst honors and dignitites, you will acquire real merit and virtue, for humility amidst greatness is the grandest accompaniment of honors, the dignity of dignities, without which there is no true excellence.
- Ven. Louis of Granada

IHaving read this, we looked back and remembered all the leaders we have had the privilege to know. In ministry work, it is understood that "we have to be humble" so pride among leaders comes in the more subtle forms. Sometimes it comes in the emphasis of  or requirement to be called titles and designation: "I have to be called this... Kindly address me as... Uhm, I am the _____________ of __________." Sometimes, there are people who namedrops to make sure you know that he is rubbing elbows with the powers that be. There are others who pepper conversations with achievements they have done. You will notice that you are not drawn to these personalities but you actually feel a certain distance from them with the prominence and authority that they are trying to establish.

On the other hand, those we met who had shown genuine meekness, humility and warmth are the ones who inspired us the most and have fueled our journey to go greater distances. They are the ones we hold dear in our hearts and left a lasting impression in our lives. And I think it's because that was the model Jesus portrayed. He had to go down from heaven to our level, even to the point that He washed His own disciples' feet. He humbled Himself to draw us to Him in the grandest way only the God of the Universe can think of.

So yeah, humility is indeed the grandest accompaniment of honors.

#49: Braving Your Kids

Sometimes I wonder why there seems to be more kids that are too dependent, too pampered. I remember that during my time, my older cousins have the sense to concoct their own bubble liquid using detergent powder and crushed hibiscus flowers, construct their own toy truck and do their own homeworks. I also remember myself "harvesting and grinding" grains gathered from the heads of the weeds in the backyard or the neighbors lawn then make a "soup" from it. I even remember making a makeshift stove, lighting the fire and placing an old can on top filled with water and our garden leaves. 

When I was 7 years old, parents were admonished by the elderly if their 4 year-old child is still not weaned from the bottle. In fact, that was already embarassing! But now, I am amazed how kids who are used to being spoon-fed (or rather bottle-fed up until they're *yo!) with everything from food, to fancy toys. Are parents too busy to spend time anymore that they make up for it by just giving everything their child whines about? I do not exactly know why but parents seem to be less eager in imposing appropriate restrictions and responsibilities to their kids. 

I know it is scary, exhausting and exasperating to impose discipline on our children. It takes a lot of effort to stop and actually think about what is happening, why this is happening and figure out what to do about it. But to just give in to make our children's lives as comfortable as you can muster is not necessarily going to turn out for their best in the long run. Be brave and actually say "no" to your child CALMLY. Explain properly in a level tone. Your child may not understand immediately, that's for sure. He may throw a horrible tantrum. You may need to continue explaining the same thing for a full year. But that is a price you have to pay to make sure that your adorable baby will grow up to be an adorable and responsible person. Just try to stick this out for 5 years or so and by the 6th or 7th year, you will find that your child has developed an emotional quotient that can handle disappointments and frustrations well. It will be worth it. You will find when you are old and gray that disciplining yourself to discipline your child is the best investment you made.

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#48: To Do List for Parents

Now I'm sure that this is better than the memos you receive in your ofice. Parents should learn to have fun with their children, right?

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#47: Real Poverty

#46: Lessons While in the Middle Part 2

Now that I have two daughters, I feel like the mysterious door of the adult perspective has been opened to me and revealed a whole new world of wisdom that was simply beyond me during my youth. Everything my parents and elder friends told me before that sounded killjoy, narrow-minded and inconsiderate now actually makes sense. Yet, I still understand why I thought what I thought before. The sentiments that I held before still hold value for me. I just see now the gap that keeps these two generations apart in their thought.

So being here in this unusually eye-opening boundary, here are the insights I learned. I posted the insights I want to share with the elder sector in a previous blog entry. But here, I'm talking to the youth. Yes you.

#45: Good Children

This is easier said than done. You will have to use a lot of emotional muscles and re-arrangement of priorities to do this. But I tell you, it will be well worth it.

#44: Irony: Self-Importance

The more important you feel about yourself, the less the people around you deem you so.

#43: Lessons While in the Middle Part 1

I feel like I am in the boundary of being considered young and being considered a fully-grown adult (aka known as old). I can still remember how I felt when I was a child, the dreaminess of playtime and Christmas, the slowness of summer and the fizzy excitement of swimming outings. I remember how I felt when I was a teenager, the textures, the warmth of my face with the surge of new emotions, the pursuit of being totally cool, the sharp pains of teenage heartaches, however petty and juvenile.

Now that I have two daughters, I feel like the mysterious door of the adult perspective has been opened to me and revealed a whole new world of wisdom that was simply beyond me during my youth. Everything my parents and elder friends told me before that sounded killjoy, narrow-minded and inconsiderate now actually makes sense. Yet, I still understand why I thought what I thought before. The sentiments that I held before still hold value for me. I just see now the gap that keeps these two generations apart in their thought.

So being here in this unusually eye-opening boundary, here are the insights I learned:

#42: A Wedding Message

"Really? You want me to write that?"

Yes, my friend asked me to write a wedding speech for her mother-in-law who is going to speak at the wedding of his son. She said she thought of me because I wrote well.

My dear, being able to write well does not mean I can write a wedding advice that should sound like it came from a marriage veteran. I have only been married for 6 years after all. Well, she insisted. So I prayed, breathed in and mustered all the bits of wisdom that I collected from my mentors, friends and my own experience. I tried my best to make it sound motherly. Here is what I came up with and what I actually sent her:

#41: To the Corporate Planet and Back

Hi friends! I have to apologize for being invisible lately. I went through a hormonal phase (probably post-partum crazies) and a job application phase. You see, I started submitting my resume 2 months ago for a few marketing positions. I submitted a copy to an international company but initially got rejected. Apparently my resume was too creative for their taste so I had consulted with friends and they were gracious enough to lend me some tips on how to make my resume more "corporate and professional." I resubmitted my resume for their active file and proceeded to forget about it and move on. My husband and I started submitting auditions for voice-over jobs (which I do on the side by the way.)


Two months later, I received a call saying that I am invited for an interview the next day. Being a freelancer for most of my professional life, I panicked that I have to be able to put on the corporate persona in half a day after your mind has given up on the idea for the time being. I have to be yanked out of my tree-hugging, breast-feeding self and be the savvy, sharp, ass-kicking, tailored-suited version of me which I have kept in the closet for about two years now.


Interview day. I filled out an application form, wrote essays and answered an exam that gave my brain a good shock of ice water. Imagine, I was asked to give a recommendation about which country in Europe will be a good place for a certain economic super-power to make a cross-boarder investment in. And then make a pitch about how their company will be a great partner in this investment. I am aware that for some of you this may be peanuts but I come from a background of writing poems, about the silly and profound insights I happen to find in some corner of my mind, about food and eating. So this was violent alien territory. Geez. 


Okay control tower, we have to make an emergency emotional shutdown. Over. We need to direct all power to Anne's brain. There is some major neural process that we need to support there. Over. Yep, controlling palpitation now. Easy girl, easy...


God is good and very gracious to me. After 2 hours, I looked at my written exam. There is a point when you know you have given it your best shot, when you know that you have to make yourself stop nit-picking and just let go. I smiled and knew that was it, chuckling inside knowing that I nailed this one. After the preliminary interview with the HR associate, to my surprise, I was continuously endorsed by one team member to another. I stayed there the whole day, talking in English, convincing them I will be good for the job. By the time I am done with the 5th interviewer, I was dazed with exhaustion! What do you know? I was informed that there should have been a 6th interviewer from Europe but they were not able to schedule it properly so I had to go back the next day. Thank God. My talking was getting a bit slurred already.


I'd like to continue my story but my daughter is tugging my pants now and asking me to help her look for her green crayon. I will continue my story in the next entry, okay?

#40: Parental Workout

Now that I have a two year old girl, I realize that you cannot be lazy when you are a parent. And when I say lazy, i do not mean simply physically. Most of us are usually diligent physically: we wake up very early, we battle our way to work, tackle our tasks and our chores. We try to be as nimble as we can so we can get more things done. But there is a certain emotional laziness that will be checked once you become a steward of a child. I can say this now because I myself looked it in the face and struggled with it.

#31: Hypocrisy is Having a Party

The RH Bill.


I tried to shut up and not be part of the debate. However I am disturbed by how a big deal this is becoming. The house debates are actually being aired live for everyone to see politicians spewing  principles of purity and freedom of choice and how these debates also digresses into off tangent topics and eventually personal insults. In my mind, this seems to be a very sensible move in helping alleviate poverty in our country that's why it puzzles me how other people and religious personalities is making it such a big deal. It's as if our nation will fall to the pits of hell if we allow reproductive health to be a part of the Filipino's mentality.


This is how I see it. Withholding contraceptives from our people does not assure us of a morally upright, sexually pure nation.

#30: Slowly, Gently

I found myself saying this to my daughter one lunchtime. She was playing with the belt of her high chair and hurt her hand on the table as she was violently swinging it.


"Himig, do things slowly and gently. That way, you'll avoid hurting yourself."


Well it's true. gentleness will benefit you whether you are driving a vehicle or chopping some onions. moving in frantic hurry almost always leaves a trail of clutter, spills and sometimes, broken coffee mugs. 


"Slowly, Himig. Move gently next time"


As the words left my lips, I felt like I wasn't only telling this to my child. I felt like I am saying this to the whole of mankind.

29: Things About Trusting God that I Learned From Being a Parent

If my daughters will be able to understand me fully, these are the things I will say to them:


1. Obey. Don't go there. I know the top of the stairs look exciting and you're sure that you'll get a certain high out of climbing it because, well, it IS high! But I have good reasons why you're not allowed to do that. One, you're only one year old and your little legs and arms won't be able to handle it. Chances are, one of your limbs will slip which will result to you bumping your chin or your shin (like what happened last time), or worse, falling totally and bumping your tender head on the cement floor.  Besides, you don't have a purpose for going up that flight of stairs you're just curious.  I will let you go up when you're ready and when there's a good reason for it (say, you're going to bed to sleep, or you're fetching a pair of shorts to change). But for now, when I put a barricade on the steep and narrow flight of stairs, it means it is not safe for you. I don't want you to get hurt.


2. Please stop whining and just wait. I'm not making you suffer just for fun. I have a very good reason why I don't want to give you your bottle of milk yet. You just drank a glass of juice then you're asking for milk right away? Do you know that when milk mixes with anything acidic, it will curdle because the proteins in the milk reacts with the blah blah blah blah .... In short, it might give you a tummy ache. I'll give you your milk after 30 minutes. Do you understand 30 minutes? So stop whining now because it is very annoying and chances are you will get the "palo" if you keep at it.


3. You know what, I can give you that lovely (and expensive)Walt DIsney book. However, it is meant for a 3-year old child. Your little fingers are still too clumsy to handle it with care. See, you already tore 6 pages out of it! You may be enjoying it right now, making scratch paper out of it but if you wait a bit more,you'll be able to appreciate those books to its fullest - and with all pages intact. For now, can we stick to your board books?


4. Eat the apple instead. The chocomallows may look good in all its brown rounded glory but you already ate one. Besides, it is not nutritious at all. If any, it will give you energy and cavities. So how about that apple? Trust me, it's way, way better for you.


Trust me. PLEASE TRUST ME.


That's what I kept on telling my daughter. In her very young and limited understanding, I am aware that she won't be able grasp all the deep reasons and good intentions I have for her. "Why can't you just give me my milk!?! Just give me my milk! I want it now!", she might be thinking. She may feel dejected or even unloved because I did not give her the requested bottle. But I know better. Little does she realize that she is going through that little (even senseless) suffering of hers ultimately because I love her and I want to protect her.


I realized that's what the Lord has kept on telling me - telling us. Now I understand how annoyed God was with the complaining Israelites. When our children start to get really whiny and noisy, then we know how God feels when we just can't trust Him to know what He is doing. Sometimes, because we are just too stubborn, He'll allow us to climb those stairs only to find ourselves tumbling down, stumbling upon our own gimmiks, clumsiness and immaturity. 

Thank you, Nanay.

If we only learn to let go. If we only learn what trust really entails. If we only submit and obey, then maybe, we'll be happier children.


Okay, 30 minutes have passed. Here's your milk. :-D