#43: Lessons While in the Middle Part 1

I feel like I am in the boundary of being considered young and being considered a fully-grown adult (aka known as old). I can still remember how I felt when I was a child, the dreaminess of playtime and Christmas, the slowness of summer and the fizzy excitement of swimming outings. I remember how I felt when I was a teenager, the textures, the warmth of my face with the surge of new emotions, the pursuit of being totally cool, the sharp pains of teenage heartaches, however petty and juvenile.

Now that I have two daughters, I feel like the mysterious door of the adult perspective has been opened to me and revealed a whole new world of wisdom that was simply beyond me during my youth. Everything my parents and elder friends told me before that sounded killjoy, narrow-minded and inconsiderate now actually makes sense. Yet, I still understand why I thought what I thought before. The sentiments that I held before still hold value for me. I just see now the gap that keeps these two generations apart in their thought.

So being here in this unusually eye-opening boundary, here are the insights I learned:

#42: A Wedding Message

"Really? You want me to write that?"

Yes, my friend asked me to write a wedding speech for her mother-in-law who is going to speak at the wedding of his son. She said she thought of me because I wrote well.

My dear, being able to write well does not mean I can write a wedding advice that should sound like it came from a marriage veteran. I have only been married for 6 years after all. Well, she insisted. So I prayed, breathed in and mustered all the bits of wisdom that I collected from my mentors, friends and my own experience. I tried my best to make it sound motherly. Here is what I came up with and what I actually sent her:

#41: To the Corporate Planet and Back

Hi friends! I have to apologize for being invisible lately. I went through a hormonal phase (probably post-partum crazies) and a job application phase. You see, I started submitting my resume 2 months ago for a few marketing positions. I submitted a copy to an international company but initially got rejected. Apparently my resume was too creative for their taste so I had consulted with friends and they were gracious enough to lend me some tips on how to make my resume more "corporate and professional." I resubmitted my resume for their active file and proceeded to forget about it and move on. My husband and I started submitting auditions for voice-over jobs (which I do on the side by the way.)


Two months later, I received a call saying that I am invited for an interview the next day. Being a freelancer for most of my professional life, I panicked that I have to be able to put on the corporate persona in half a day after your mind has given up on the idea for the time being. I have to be yanked out of my tree-hugging, breast-feeding self and be the savvy, sharp, ass-kicking, tailored-suited version of me which I have kept in the closet for about two years now.


Interview day. I filled out an application form, wrote essays and answered an exam that gave my brain a good shock of ice water. Imagine, I was asked to give a recommendation about which country in Europe will be a good place for a certain economic super-power to make a cross-boarder investment in. And then make a pitch about how their company will be a great partner in this investment. I am aware that for some of you this may be peanuts but I come from a background of writing poems, about the silly and profound insights I happen to find in some corner of my mind, about food and eating. So this was violent alien territory. Geez. 


Okay control tower, we have to make an emergency emotional shutdown. Over. We need to direct all power to Anne's brain. There is some major neural process that we need to support there. Over. Yep, controlling palpitation now. Easy girl, easy...


God is good and very gracious to me. After 2 hours, I looked at my written exam. There is a point when you know you have given it your best shot, when you know that you have to make yourself stop nit-picking and just let go. I smiled and knew that was it, chuckling inside knowing that I nailed this one. After the preliminary interview with the HR associate, to my surprise, I was continuously endorsed by one team member to another. I stayed there the whole day, talking in English, convincing them I will be good for the job. By the time I am done with the 5th interviewer, I was dazed with exhaustion! What do you know? I was informed that there should have been a 6th interviewer from Europe but they were not able to schedule it properly so I had to go back the next day. Thank God. My talking was getting a bit slurred already.


I'd like to continue my story but my daughter is tugging my pants now and asking me to help her look for her green crayon. I will continue my story in the next entry, okay?

#40: Parental Workout

Now that I have a two year old girl, I realize that you cannot be lazy when you are a parent. And when I say lazy, i do not mean simply physically. Most of us are usually diligent physically: we wake up very early, we battle our way to work, tackle our tasks and our chores. We try to be as nimble as we can so we can get more things done. But there is a certain emotional laziness that will be checked once you become a steward of a child. I can say this now because I myself looked it in the face and struggled with it.

#31: Hypocrisy is Having a Party

The RH Bill.


I tried to shut up and not be part of the debate. However I am disturbed by how a big deal this is becoming. The house debates are actually being aired live for everyone to see politicians spewing  principles of purity and freedom of choice and how these debates also digresses into off tangent topics and eventually personal insults. In my mind, this seems to be a very sensible move in helping alleviate poverty in our country that's why it puzzles me how other people and religious personalities is making it such a big deal. It's as if our nation will fall to the pits of hell if we allow reproductive health to be a part of the Filipino's mentality.


This is how I see it. Withholding contraceptives from our people does not assure us of a morally upright, sexually pure nation.

#30: Slowly, Gently

I found myself saying this to my daughter one lunchtime. She was playing with the belt of her high chair and hurt her hand on the table as she was violently swinging it.


"Himig, do things slowly and gently. That way, you'll avoid hurting yourself."


Well it's true. gentleness will benefit you whether you are driving a vehicle or chopping some onions. moving in frantic hurry almost always leaves a trail of clutter, spills and sometimes, broken coffee mugs. 


"Slowly, Himig. Move gently next time"


As the words left my lips, I felt like I wasn't only telling this to my child. I felt like I am saying this to the whole of mankind.

29: Things About Trusting God that I Learned From Being a Parent

If my daughters will be able to understand me fully, these are the things I will say to them:


1. Obey. Don't go there. I know the top of the stairs look exciting and you're sure that you'll get a certain high out of climbing it because, well, it IS high! But I have good reasons why you're not allowed to do that. One, you're only one year old and your little legs and arms won't be able to handle it. Chances are, one of your limbs will slip which will result to you bumping your chin or your shin (like what happened last time), or worse, falling totally and bumping your tender head on the cement floor.  Besides, you don't have a purpose for going up that flight of stairs you're just curious.  I will let you go up when you're ready and when there's a good reason for it (say, you're going to bed to sleep, or you're fetching a pair of shorts to change). But for now, when I put a barricade on the steep and narrow flight of stairs, it means it is not safe for you. I don't want you to get hurt.


2. Please stop whining and just wait. I'm not making you suffer just for fun. I have a very good reason why I don't want to give you your bottle of milk yet. You just drank a glass of juice then you're asking for milk right away? Do you know that when milk mixes with anything acidic, it will curdle because the proteins in the milk reacts with the blah blah blah blah .... In short, it might give you a tummy ache. I'll give you your milk after 30 minutes. Do you understand 30 minutes? So stop whining now because it is very annoying and chances are you will get the "palo" if you keep at it.


3. You know what, I can give you that lovely (and expensive)Walt DIsney book. However, it is meant for a 3-year old child. Your little fingers are still too clumsy to handle it with care. See, you already tore 6 pages out of it! You may be enjoying it right now, making scratch paper out of it but if you wait a bit more,you'll be able to appreciate those books to its fullest - and with all pages intact. For now, can we stick to your board books?


4. Eat the apple instead. The chocomallows may look good in all its brown rounded glory but you already ate one. Besides, it is not nutritious at all. If any, it will give you energy and cavities. So how about that apple? Trust me, it's way, way better for you.


Trust me. PLEASE TRUST ME.


That's what I kept on telling my daughter. In her very young and limited understanding, I am aware that she won't be able grasp all the deep reasons and good intentions I have for her. "Why can't you just give me my milk!?! Just give me my milk! I want it now!", she might be thinking. She may feel dejected or even unloved because I did not give her the requested bottle. But I know better. Little does she realize that she is going through that little (even senseless) suffering of hers ultimately because I love her and I want to protect her.


I realized that's what the Lord has kept on telling me - telling us. Now I understand how annoyed God was with the complaining Israelites. When our children start to get really whiny and noisy, then we know how God feels when we just can't trust Him to know what He is doing. Sometimes, because we are just too stubborn, He'll allow us to climb those stairs only to find ourselves tumbling down, stumbling upon our own gimmiks, clumsiness and immaturity. 

Thank you, Nanay.

If we only learn to let go. If we only learn what trust really entails. If we only submit and obey, then maybe, we'll be happier children.


Okay, 30 minutes have passed. Here's your milk. :-D

#28: Child of the King

I always get all choked up when I listen to this song. Either it is just record production genius or this song is anointed by God to move all those who listen to it. I searched the internet for lyrics for this beautiful song from Kids' Praise 6. To my dismay, I did not find any. So I looked for the song in my collection, listened to it, transcribed it and am posting it now because I want to share this message to all who wants to listen.


Child of the King

Lord I don't have fancy toys

Like other little girls and boys

My clothes are faded and torn

My shoes are scoffed up and all worn

Though the world might think I'm poor

I am rich cause I have You LOrd

Lord the people stop and stare

Then pass as though I am not there

Although I am always all alone

I have no friends to call my own.

Though the people pass me by

I am loved cause You're by my side.

Chorus:

And I'm a Child of the King

If I have Him, then I have everything

Though the world may think That I am poor

I am rich cause I have you Lord

#23: Usapang Magkakapatid na Nicomedes

Katatapos lang namin manood ng Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. It'll be better if you read its synopsis first so the senseless conversation below will make sense for you. It's irrelevant who said what. Basta kaming tatlong magkakapatid ang nag-uusap dito:


***START OF CONVERSATION***

Ano kaya? Gawa tayo ng business. Home theater for rent. 'Di ba, magdadala lang sila ng sarili nilang DVD, ok na sila.


Oo, okay yun. Parang Red Box pero pelikula.


Kaya lang malaki ang investment sa ganun, baka kailangan natin ng mahigit 1million dun.


Hay.


*silence*


Grabe ano? Di ba yung mga futuristic na pelikula, minsan nagkakatotoo? Ano kaya kung ang internet nga or cyberspace ay isang malaking artificial intelligence nga at inuuto na tayo?


Oo, baka self-aware na ang cyberspace tapos gumagawa sila ng isang malaki, matagal at complicated na strategy para ang mga tao, maging unable nang lumaban.


Parang yung sa Wall-E.


Oo.


Tapos baka tinuturuan ang taong hindi makipag-interact personally, ginagawa tayong mga loners. Hindi na tayo marunong ng harapang teamwork para hindi na tayo makalaban sa mga machines.


Kaya siguro nial inimbento yung Facebook!


Oo, tapos kapag nag-rise nayung machines, hindi na natin alam kung paano makipag-usap sa isa't-isa kasi puro YM na lang tayo.


Tapos ang magiging pag-asa pala ng sangkamundohan ay yung mga nakikita natin sa picture na mga malnourished na may bitbit na baby. Kasi sila lang yung magaan enough tsaka may teamwork enough to actually move and fight.

Oo nga. Kasi Yung mga tribo at mga nasa poverty area, walang internet! Yung dating mga kawawa, sila pala yung magiging heroes of the world!

Uy, ok yan a. Parang pwedeng pelikula. 

O kaya comics. Kuya Junn, baka pwede mong gawing comics yung storya nain.

Oo, ibenta natin tapos yayaman tayo. Magiging milyonaryo tayo.

Tama, tapos mag-business tayo nung home theater for rent.

Alright.

*** END OF CONVERSATION***

Now you know what kind of family I came from.

#22: So What Happened Next?

It was confusing.    
Motherhood these times are a mish-mash of different opinions. Gone are the days when the experienced mothers are just a stone's throw away to lend their tested wisdom in babycare. But now, "expert advise" are all over. The book says this, the friend says that, the TV personality says another thing and then your mother has a whole new opinion altogether.   
  
"'Wag mong buhatin, masasanay yan."  
"Kargahin mo! Baka a-insecure siya. Maapektuhan ang brain develoopment."  
"Naku, matalino yang mga yan, malalaman agad nila na pag umiyak siya, kakargahin mo. Pabayaan mo lang."  
"You can never spoil a baby. They're very needy that's why you have to hold them."    


Good grief. And that's just about holding a baby. So I was confused and initially, I avoided carrying her when she cries because some say they will learn to manipulate you into doing whatever they want just by crying. So the effect was a noisy house and an aggravated mother-and-baby tandem. What surprised me was that when Himig was with the folks, she fussed less. In fact, one night, I spied Himig flashing Nanay a smile! Gasp! I got so jealous and thought to myself "I lose sleep and my mind over you and I don't even get a friendly smirk?!?". Dejected mother.    Since then, I started observing Himig's favorite nannies (which is practically everybody else) and discovered that they have two things in common: they talked to her and they held her a lot. I always had that uncomfortable feeling in my stomach when I kept myself from "carrying her too much". Now I know why. It was my instinct telling me to go ahead and love my baby any which way I can. Besides, who would discipline a month-old baby when she doesn't even have a concept of "self" and "others"?      


I don't care anymore what they say. I will follow my heartbeat from now on. My Himig is needy, frail and scared of the world outside the womb. I will hold her whenever she's lonely or scared. Ever since I had made my resolve, our home started to have a semblance of peace. I don't get that sick feeling in my stomach anymore whenever she cried. One night, I gathered her in my arms as we stared at each other.     


Then she gave me this meanignful look and smiled.     


It was a moment of grace. All the feeling of confusion, fatigue and discouragement melted away in that one simple gesture. It said "thank you", "you're doing a great job", "I feel loved" and "I love you, too" in that single toothless smile. That made all the difference. We had officially become friends. Our sweetest moments so far were when Himig's face, in between mouthfuls of breastmilk, would spontaneously break into a slow, growing smile then tenderly gurgle lovely sounds at me. I shed tears of unexplainable joy and all I was able to say was "You're welcome and I love you, too."

#21: So What Happened To Me?

I became a mother. I never really liked children. That's one thing I had in common with my bestfriend husband. Kids are okay, yeah, but we're not like some of our friends who gush and go gaga over little babies and children. That's the reason why we didn't have children right away. In fact, if God won't allow us to have children, I'll be okay with it. 


Then came Himig. I saw her on her third day as I visited her in the nursery for breastfeeding. She was wrapped in this yellow lampin, the moist and oily hair still sticking to her scalp, a bit chinky and really fair. My first thoughts were: Is this stranger really my child? So is mankind expecting me to fall in love right away with this frail baby? I waited for that explosive Johnson's-Baby moment but all there was was uncertainty and a polite "Hello. I'm you're Nanay." I gingerly placed her lips on my breasts and as if triggered by a switch, quickly sucked vigorously. Oh my golly, this stranger is sucking my nipples! And boy, does it hurt! I was floating in this pool of question and exclamation marks and amazement and disbelief. "Oh my goodness, she actually came from me?! I hope my milk will satisfy her. Oh dear, kulang 'ata 'yung gatas ko. Oh dear... " *worry, worry, worry* The only reason I didn't drown in that pool because despite my doubts, I already knew that I love her. It wasn't the most rosy experience, especially when the post-partum depression kicked in. On my second week as a mom, my nipples were more sore than ever, I was alone in our Tandang Sora home and feeling very, very inadequate. My ceasarian section was sore, I feel desperately tired out of waking up for one and a half hour three times during the night for those torturous breastfeeding times and amidst all that, faced with the same household chores that I did when I was still, hmm, let's say, better able. Everytime Junn left for work, I braced myself for the hours ahead. What the heck am I gonna do next? What else can I do? Will I be a good mother? Oh yeah, Himig and I did lots crying duets then. I held Himig as she fed while I bit my lip in pain, still wondering if all this torturous labor is working because I still had no idea if I'm actually secreting milk. 


Self-pity easily won over and joined my swimming pool. I started asking myself if we really made the right decision having a baby now. Good thing love was still there, keeping my head above the water. I gasped and survived. VOICE OVER: Ano kaya ang nangyari kay Anne Esteban? Kakayanin kaya niya ang Post-partum challenge? Abangan sa pagpapatuloy ng kanyang blog! DISCLAIMER: Sensya na di ko pa na-pupulis tong entry ko. Grammar police, patawad muna.